to my fellow XXers:

Oh, thank Maude! I was losing sight of what it means to be a lady, but fortunately feministing found this delightful little article [don't click if you don't give traffic to right-wing batshittery] that reminds us all how to behave properly in this dirty, nasty, corrupt world. I particularly like Molina's description of a proper lady:

"A lady does not tell dirty jokes along with men and she does not tolerate men telling dirty jokes in her presence. She does not swear, and she is not considered "one of the guys." In spite of new fashion trends, a lady always dresses appropriately, leaving a lot to the imagination. When at a social gathering, a lady does not do things she will regret the next day. Above all, a lady is well-mannered, dignified, gracious, and kind."

Shoot. I guess I'm not a lady, despite all of biology's efforts, and all other evidence to the contrary. Let's dissect, point by point, shall we?

• Dirty jokes. I work in surgery. It's a field that often leaves me as the sole female or 1 of 2 women in a room. It's also a high-stress environment where gallows and dirty humour abounds. I'm relatively comfortable with dirty jokes and innuendo [although I still blush like mad]. Here's what I won't tolerate in my presence: sexist, racist, homophobic, ablist jokes. These are the kind of jokes that cause harm. They spread misinformation, stereotypes, and hate. A joke about asking a genie for a 12-inch penis and instead receiving a miniature piano player may be crass [and my favorite surgeon's favorite joke], but it doesn't tear down another human being for his or her differences from what society [and who exactly is society?] deems as 'normal.'
• Cursing. Shiiiiiiitttttttt, that's strike 2 for me. I agree that there are much more eloquent ways of expressing one's displeasure with something, but honestly, there are situations that simply require an organic, primal, emphatic curse. Swear words have become such a part of vocabulary today that most people don't bat an eye when the f-bomb is dropped, or a cuss-laden tirade is delivered in the heat of the moment, or the fact that swear words pepper everyday conversation. One thing that will stick with me forever about my evangelical roommates is the church service I went to with them where the pastor let out a "Fuck you!" to prove some point or another. I was struggling to control my laughter over the great vacuum that swept over the room as everyone gasped at his audacity to curse, and of all curses, the mother of them all. To me, it's simply a word, no different than lamp.It's only what it is because someone decided it was taboo, like everything else that is considered deviant. So my thoughts on this one? Cuss all you want if you like. I'll certainly continue, unless another word comes along that I like better!
• "One of the guys." What on earth does this even mean? That a woman has male friends [omg, u can be freindz with teh menfolkz]? Working in a male-dominated workplace and being comfortable? Playing a game of football in the park with a group of guys? Sitting next to men in church? Seriously, are we working backwards for gender segregation again?
• Dressing "appropriately." To me, "appropriate" is such a subjective term; I prefer to think of dressing in terms of "age-appropriate." Personally, I have eclectic taste. I love vintage style; I love comfortable style. In a day, I'll go from t-shirt and jeans to scrubs to little black dress. I love spicing it up with a little skin, and alternatively, creating that element of mystery with covering up. I feel the author is giving credence to the myth that women "dressing provocatively" is justification for sexual assault, which is one of my biggest frustrations. Why on earth would a woman be to blame for a man's sociopathic behavior? I hate that the sexual assault prevention focus is on what women should not do. Everybody been to it--it's one of the first days of college, you go with your freshman experience class. It's the standard "Ladies, don't drink at parties. Ladies, don't go anywhere alone. Ladies, if you have to walk alone, fashion your keys into brass knuckles. Ladies, don't wear short skirts and heels, it will turn the menfolk into sex-crazed animals." What about the men--why are they getting a free pass at this? Sure, there is the attempt to make it 2-dimensional, but that starts and stops with the "no means no" schtick, and goes right back to what women should not do.
• "...a lady will not do things she will regret the next day." And men get a free pass at this as well? Women can't get shit-faced and spend the next day on the couch, bemoaning what an idiot they made themselves out as in front of their huge crush [whaaaa, recent personal experience, haha?!]? I think for the vast majority of this generation, this is a sort of rite of passage. We all do it. We all make BLCs, whether we are XX/XY, he/she/xe, black/white/brown/polka dot...no one is exempt, and we can all commiserate together.
• "Above all, a lady is well-mannered, dignified, gracious, and kind." I couldn't help but picture a Victorian lady when I read this--eyes down, dressed in layers of lace, parasol protecting her fair skin as she strolls through the park with her protective auntie, then going home for afternoon tea. I feel like the author is exalting this silly purity notion under the guise of "true femininity." Furthermore, things like good manners and kindness are not traits that should be exclusive to the female gender!

This article is virtual treasure trove of everything that is wrong with conservative thought in regards to gender. It dreams of the days when women were objects, passed from father to husband, when a woman's worth was solely dependent on what a man could provide for her. It celebrates the perversity in regards to sexual ownership when it comes to purity rings and purity balls. It puts the blame on women and gives men a free pass when it comes to sexual assault. It assigns antiquated gender roles and allows for continued backwards thinking when it comes to being human versus male/female.

Now it's my turn to define women, and men:

Reject definition. Reject what people want you to be, and be yourself without regrets. Men, if you hate football and prefer opera, celebrate it. Women, if you would prefer to be a deep-water welder rather than a teacher, go for it. Love what you want, who you want, how you want. Why accept limitations based on someone else's ideas?

I'm a nurse who loves to bake and cook, who can fix things around the house better than a lot of guys, who can dish it out and take it, who passionately takes on life. I love the colour pink and wearing dresses, but I'll join you on your 3-day hike without a shower. I fight for what I believe in, I curse, I make bad choices. I can be the perfect host, but I can also tell you that you're an asshole. I will not be content to be a man's object, but I still love romantic comedies and the idea of Mr. Darcy. I like baseball and a good game of football. I also like ballet, theatre, and art museums. I love children and plan to get married and have kids, but that's not my sole purpose or goal in life. I believe in karma and organized religion frustrates me. I spent 8 years in a leotard being judged, yet I am still self-conscious. I just may turn out to be the crazy cat lady. My apartment is littered with books ranging from Harry Potter to Manifesta to The Rastafarians to Love in the Time of Cholera. I'm complex, and beautifully simple all at once.

Gender does not define me, I am human.

peace and love,

m